I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
