after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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