Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
