I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
