I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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