I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Let's paint friendship bongs
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
So much rum. So many feels.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
