im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
