We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
