He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
