why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
