It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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