genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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