So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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