I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
