I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I faked an abortion last night.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
