she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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