I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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