Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
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