i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
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