Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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