I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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