I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
