I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
