I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
