Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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