Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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