I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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