I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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