Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
