I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
