Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
