after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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