and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
