Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
