ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
