Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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