All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
