Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
