This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
May the power of my ass compel you!!
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
