I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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