I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you win again, gameday.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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