Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize
