Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
