I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
