Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
