Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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