JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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