Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
