I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
