i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
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