sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
