how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
